'And there will be a craft room & even a breakfast nook.'
But that was not my question, doctor. My question is, will the doors lock me in?
The doctors - realizing I was too savvy for their sales pitch - gave in. 'Yes kate, the doors will lock. It is a psychiatric unit but it won't feel like one at all. It will feel like a house, a house that locks you in to make you feel safe.'
I stared at my feet.
I wondered if they had ever been locked in a room or a house or even a ward. I wondered if they had ever been in a place where you needed three signatures, a vitals check, a chaperone & a permission slip to feel fresh air on your face. I wondered if they had ever had hallucinations follow them wherever they went. I wondered if they did, would they rethink that phrase - you will feel safe.
Frustration washed over me. Don't they know locking me in with me won't help? Don't they know the problem is IN ME, OF ME, INEXPLICABLY PART OF ME?
I dismissed the urge to reeducate the six doctors trying to lock me in a long term psychiatric facility that in my position, with demonizing hallucinations everywhere, there was no such thing as freedom, only survival.
"Okay, let me think about it."
"Yes kate, do. remember the breakfast nook. And that there would be other people. You would no longer be destined to be alone."
I again stared at my feet.
I again resisted the urge to inform them that their language of supposed comfort was destructive in every single way.
They left the room & I huddled in a ball in the corner. I rocked back & forth in tears. back & forth.
I finally got out my journal & wrote this:
No. I will not go. And one day, when I live in my own house with my own people & my own breakfast nook, you will know why.
Today, you will not.
Today, you will be angry.
Today, you will tell me I am not safe.
Today, you will threaten me with words like perpetual isolation & unfathomably challenging odds.
But one day.
Yes one day,
I will have my house.
And my people.
And my breakfast nook.
And you will see.
I found this journal 👆 yesterday.
Dear doctors, I am sitting in my house with my people in our breakfast nook, now, don't you see?