I Wish You could See my Illness

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There is not a day that goes by where I don’t wish you could see my illness. I know that is incomprehensible for many. 

I also know there are millions of people who wish their conditions were invisible or their secret to share. I also know there are millions who wish their bodies looked like mine or their skin afforded them the luxury I am afforded. 

I recognize that this sentiment - my desire to have my illness be seen - encompasses so much privilege that I am blessed to have.

And yet, I got yelled at the supermarket for my service dog yesterday. The woman screamed at me for my entitlement at bringing a dog in masked as a service dog. She kept screaming and I couldn’t even talk. I was speechless and just desperately wanted her to see my flashbacks so she would understand that waffle saved my life from one of isolation and hallucinations but she just kept yelling and yelling until a kind gentleman ushered her away.

And yet, I get told every single day I have everything because to the eye I do and I know I am lucky. I am the GD luckiest but my mind is constantly fighting demons and my suicide and is that desirable? Is that what you want too?

And then, there’s the doubt. The doubt and stigma this society inflicts upon us. Is this illness real? What even is depression or anxiety or PTSD? Maybe they are right. I’m crazy and worthless and don’t deserve my service dog or this life or this platform filled with your love. 

Things I know and I’m grateful for:

I am alive, married, own a beautiful home, have my dream job, have a spectacular service dog, live in an able-thin-beautiful body and have a community of support.

Things I also know:

I keep weeping on the floor in between my work calls.

Today I just wish the world could see my illness. I wish I could have a blood test to prove that it’s real. I wish.

But that won’t happen - ever - so I’m going to show up here and hopefully make one of you feel a little less alone.

And then I’m going to remind you all that everyone has a battle - invisible or not - and I’m here to fight for all of us with hardship in our lives being treated like the warriors we are, no matter what the world sees or not.

Kate Fisher