The World Lost a Spectacular Human

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The world lost a spectacular human yesterday. I cannot compute the loss just yet & I am currently so tired that I’m lying on the mud room floor trying to gain the energy to make it to the mailbox.
That is okay.
I am okay.
TRULY.
It is all okay.
This is adulthood, after all, at least the messy part.

Of course, it is also the adulthood no one told me about.

They told me about the adventures & mountaintop champagne & no bedtime so you could talk under the stars until the sun came up.

They told me about my first job & the joy I’d feel to have my name on an office door.

They told me about falling in love & having kids you adore so much that when the frosting covered child throws their 1 year old birthday cake to the floor, all you feel is glee.

They told me about my first home & the deep & satisfying pride of taking care of it & being able to pay taxes that protect it.

They told me all that. Yes, they told me all about that adulthood.

But they did not tell me about the rest.

They definitely forgot about this part - the lying on the dirty floor so tired you cannot move.

They also forgot about the illness & cancer & suicide & losing your best people - the ones that light up a room without saying a word.

And then they somehow forgot about the weeping in the shower & the eating of m&ms in the middle of the night when the truth that you have absolutely no control over this world other than your tiny actions in it takes hold.

They forgot about so much when you think about it - school shootings, infertility, losing jobs, affairs, divorce, heartbreak & a government that deeply fails its citizens even if it protects that beautiful first house of yours.

Yes, they forgot all that. They certainly did.

But today, I am alive, honored to see another day.

So here I find myself - spectacularly deep in gratitude & also equally deep in the fatigue of grief and I show up and say:

It is always a both.

Adulthood is a both.
Life is a both.
This world is a both.

We are forever a both.

And all of you - however you are, exactly as you are in both the highs & lows of it all - is enough and welcome here with me even if this world makes you feel otherwise.

Kate Fisher